What Do You Say After You Say Hello? by Eric Berne
Introduction
Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis (TA), wrote What Do You Say After You Say Hello? to build upon his earlier work (Games People Play), deepening our understanding of the complex psychological scripts that govern much of our daily life. This book goes far beyond just communication—it examines how our life scripts, formulated early in childhood, determine our choices, relationships, successes, and failures.
Berne’s final work is a culmination of decades of psychological practice and theory. It offers insight into the way our unconscious minds replay patterns learned in youth, even when they sabotage our adult aspirations. This summary distills Berne’s key ideas into a modern, digestible format, while preserving the transformational core that makes his work still relevant today.
The Central Idea: The Life Script
At the heart of Berne’s theory is the concept of a Life Script—a deeply ingrained plan that each person unconsciously writes in early childhood, shaped by parents, authority figures, and environmental feedback. This script becomes the invisible playbook we follow in adult life.
Berne argues that these scripts are not random; they are created in response to the child’s understanding of approval, rejection, praise, punishment, and affection. The script dictates how we respond to success, intimacy, conflict, and even how our lives may end.
“The life script is completed by age seven and it determines the outcome of your life unless you change it.”
Transactional Analysis Refresher
Transactional Analysis (TA) is a theory of personality and social interaction. It is based on the idea that people function from three primary ego states:
- Parent – A collection of rules, morals, and messages received from authority figures.
- Adult – The rational processor, the here-and-now ego state that evaluates and makes decisions based on facts.
- Child – The emotional and reactive part of the personality, shaped by experiences and emotions in early life.
Understanding which ego state is in control allows individuals to dissect interactions and scripts more clearly.
The Role of the Parent in Script Writing
Berne emphasizes the incredible power that early parental messages have over the child. These are called injunctions—prohibitive messages that shape the life script. Examples include:
- “Don’t be successful.”
- “Don’t be close to others.”
- “Don’t think.”
- “Don’t grow up.”
Equally influential are counter-injunctions, often confusing or contradictory, such as:
- “Try hard.”
- “Be perfect.”
- “Hurry up.”
Children form their scripts by reconciling these mixed messages. A child told “don’t be important” and “try hard” may become a hardworking adult who continually sabotages opportunities for leadership.
Types of Life Scripts
Berne classified scripts broadly into four outcomes:
- Winner Scripts – Life scripts that result in success and happiness.
- Non-Winner Scripts – Neutral outcomes, often stagnant or average.
- Loser Scripts – Scripts that lead to personal failure or even self-destruction.
- Banal Scripts – Uninspired but safe and socially acceptable lives.
A key insight is that people often live out these scripts not because they want to, but because they are deeply programmed to do so. Breaking a script is like rewriting a core part of one’s identity.
Key Script Components
Each script has five basic elements:
- Prologue – The early experiences and parental messages that form the foundation.
- Program – The specific rules and behaviors a person follows.
- Counter-script – A false narrative imposed to create the illusion of autonomy.
- Antiscript – A deviation from the script, often in rebellion.
- Payoff – The final life outcome, which can range from tragedy to triumph.
Games and Scripts
In Games People Play, Berne introduced the idea of psychological games—repetitive patterns of interaction that people use to satisfy hidden needs. In What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, he connects these games to life scripts.
Games reinforce scripts. For example, someone with a “Don’t succeed” script may play a game called “See What You Made Me Do,” blaming others for their own failure, thus confirming the script’s validity.
Script Matrix
Berne introduced a tool called the Script Matrix—a visual representation of a person’s life script. It shows the interaction between Parent, Adult, and Child messages, including how these reinforce or conflict with one another.
Therapists use the Script Matrix to help clients visually analyze and confront their life plans.
The Critical Parent and Liberation
Much of Berne’s therapeutic approach involves confronting the Critical Parent—that internalized voice that imposes shame, guilt, and limitation. Changing the script requires:
- Awareness – Recognizing the internalized messages.
- Challenge – Questioning the validity of those messages.
- Decision – Consciously choosing to rewrite the script using the Adult ego state.
The Script Decision
One of Berne’s most transformative ideas is that the script is a decision. Even if made unconsciously as a child, it is still a decision—and that means it can be re-decided. Adult autonomy begins when we reclaim the power to choose a different outcome.
This reframing is empowering. People are not victims of fate or childhood; they are authors of their own narrative.
Cultural and Social Scripts
Berne also discusses cultural scripting, where entire societies reinforce shared narratives (e.g., what it means to be a “successful man” or a “good wife”). These societal scripts shape behavior just as much as personal ones, and breaking free often requires confronting both familial and societal expectations.
Applications of Script Theory
The theory of life scripts has wide applications in therapy, business, relationships, and personal development. Common use cases include:
- Marriage counseling – Helping couples understand why they repeat destructive patterns.
- Career coaching – Uncovering the inner blocks to professional success.
- Parenting – Avoiding passing negative scripts to children.
- Education – Teaching children to think critically about inherited beliefs.
What Do You Say After You Say Hello?
The title question refers to what happens after the initial interaction. According to Berne, most of what comes next is not random. It’s pre-scripted. Once the social mask is dropped, people begin following the internal script—whether that means sabotaging intimacy, avoiding success, or seeking validation.
The goal is to become conscious of these patterns and to take control, replacing dysfunctional scripts with autonomous choices.
Critique and Legacy
Berne’s ideas were revolutionary because they made complex psychoanalysis accessible and actionable. His blending of storytelling, systems thinking, and psychotherapy makes What Do You Say After You Say Hello? a powerful tool.
Some critics argue that the notion of scripting is deterministic, but Berne never suggested scripts are destiny. Instead, he showed that scripts are modifiable—which gives his work both practical and hopeful significance.
Transformational Lessons
- Your life plan was likely written by age 7—but it doesn’t have to define your future.
- Identifying your core script is the first step to change.
- Scripts are driven by unconscious parental messages—understanding them frees you.
- Autonomy is achieved when the Adult ego state overrules Parent and Child programming.
- Therapeutic and personal growth is not about adding new knowledge—it’s about de-scripting.
Final Thoughts
What Do You Say After You Say Hello? is not just a psychological text—it’s a blueprint for rewriting your life. Eric Berne left behind a legacy that empowers individuals to explore the roots of their emotional behavior and make transformative changes.
This summary attempts to stay true to that mission—while offering a fresh, modern lens for understanding how hidden patterns shape our existence. It’s not just a book about communication—it’s about the narrative you live by, and whether that story is truly yours.
